midnight binge and 178 to start the day

so
yes
binge last night
crawled out of bed at midnight
fidgeting, couldn't sleep, frustrated
went to the kitchen
MASSIVE glass of vanilla coke
took some food back to bed and curled up with it -
packet of chips
LCM bar
ate that in bed next to my partner
back to the kitchen
MORE coke
MASSIVE glass of whole milk
sleep time now
I cried silently for an hour
while he slept next to me


wake up this morning and my partner tells me that
he likes my "prominent hip bones"
I nearly cried again
wtf?
I'll give him 'prominent'
he'll see
this is nothing
this is fat
it's gross


so for breakfast I helped my partner make scrambled eggs
he's hopeless at multi-tasking
he was trying to burn toast (yes I mean burn) and cook eggs at the same time
so I did the eggs while he burnt the toast
then he ate that
it looked gross
made me feel sick
I went to the freezer - no light rye bread
so I had to settle for white - ew
white toast with vegemite = 178 calories
for the rest of the day I'm going to eat celery and hot taco sauce (so low cal its basically nothing)
last night was a turning point
I felt my fat every position I tried to sleep in
it made me cry even more
I want to be thin
I NEED to be thin


things will be easier when my partner and I move out
we're looking at a place
cheap rent
and I can have my cat
so hopefully we'll be on our own by the second week of April
then I can cut down on the bad foods
and cook my own dinner more often
it will be good
things will be better
I'll have control


xxx