A Positive Negative

the test and the day

yep, thats it folks - I'm not pregnant
good news I suppose :)

anyway
had a ton of fights with the BF today
but we're all good
surprisingly I didn't binge
which I usually do when I'm upset or angry

I felt the need to a few times
but that voice in my head stopped me
told me I don't need it
that I can survive
and I did
I'm going well now
all I need is a set of scales to see my weight

- cereal = 200
- beans on toast = 243
- McDonald’s lean beef burger w/o the meat = 200ish (over estimate to be safe)

TOTAL = 643

so bad day with good results :)

love, hugs and thin vibes ^_^
xxx

Decisions

ok

things have got to change

I ate SHITLOADS yesterday

even when I felt sick, I kept eating
I'm going to start writing down what I eat and how many calories

just so I can seei

f I go over 800, I will punish myself

if I lose weight... well I guess it will be working, wont it?

maybe I'll treat myself when I reach a goal

if I thing I deserve it.
so I have decided that I'm going to blog every day now

and let you all know how I'm doing

I'll write my intake

and any exercise I do

and we'll go from there :)

another development...

my period is late

and I know for certain that its not stopped because I'm TOO THIN

because I'm nowhere near that

if I haven't got it by Sunday

I'm gonna do a preg. test

if it's positive, I don't know what I'm gonna do

my partner and I can barely afford to live at the moment as it is

maybe I'll have to drop school (distance education)

and get a job

and go back to school at a later date

oh well

we shall see

everything happens for a reason

today's intake:

- Cereal = 200

- Lentil Pattie = 133

- Cup of mixed veggies = 23

- Pumpkin and Spinach Lasagne = 400 (est)
TOTAL = 756

too close to my limit today... tomorrow will be better

anyone got any suggestions for what my punishment for going over 800cal should be?

also, if anyone wants to see body pics

let me know

I wanna know what you all think of me

love, hugs and thin vibes

xxx

hooray!

well
I have the flu
no, it is NOT swine flu
haha, although my dad accused me of that XD

but
good news!
I'm below 45kg!
44.9kg
and that was after eating this morning actually
so maybe smaller
we shall see what tomorrow brings

it seems to be coming off easier now :)
and no one is making any comment about me being "too thin"
or "not eating enough"
which I am thankful about

I'm not really counting anymore
I do know how much I consume every day
but I just don't really worry too much about it
I prefer to stay inder 600cal if I can

but if I go over alittle, I don't really freak out
I'm still losing
and I'm eating 'enough' so that nobody cares
I have a good feeling about this
things are going well at the moment

I hope you're all having as good a luck as me
love to all

xxx

eventful weekend... 46.7 revisted

well
to say my easter weekend was eventful
lets just say that is a bit of an understatement
we went camping

FRIDAY:
all good, ate bugger all, kept calorie intake low
did fine, had a bit of fun

SATURDAY:
started fine
ate more than I intended to for breakfast
and I actually ate lunch
then to top it off I decided to have pizza for dinner
so I went to the pub across the road with my partner
he got some seafood thing, I got my veggie pizza
went back to where we were camping
dad and everyone else went over to the pub while we ate
2 pieces of pizza, gave one to the dog
then shit happened.
we turned away for a moment, literally less than a minute
and the dog disappeared
we called him, ran off down towards the road calling him
heard yelping
decided that he had gone to the pub and annoyed the dog that was there
but no
he got partway across the road and got hit by a car
then somehow got into the pub
so we were freaking out
dad made us feel like it was our fault, saying "anyone could have looked away, BUT..."

anywho, we called a vet and were told that we had to keep him on his front, he wasn't allowed to lay on his side because he might have a punctured lung (blood coming out his nose)
so dad slept next to him outside and made sure he slept properly

SUNDAY:
in the morning, woke up and he was wagging his tale and trying to walk around
we decided not to let him, and dad took him to the vet for a check-up
internal bruising, bruised lungs, possible ligament damage in his front leg, and a fair few cuts and bruises
but he's ok
he's alive
dad apologised for how he reacted
ate heaps, don't even remember what

MONDAY:
packed everything up
headed home at about 4:30
car ran out of fuel literally 5 minutes from home
filled it up from what we had in the back of the car
got home, it started pissing down and we got drenched
waited til it stopped raining, then unpacked the cars while dinner was being made

FUCKING MASSIVE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI
I ate 3/4 of it


and now we have today, Tuesday
and I weigh 46.7kg again
I was 46kg on Thursday
fucking bad weekend
but I'll get back on track this week

stay strong girls
we can do it
xxx

And the virdict is...

I'm down to 48kg (just under 106lbs)
hooray for low-cal days
had the same breakfast this morning as yesterday
ate it a bit earlier though - about 8:30am
its 11am at the moment
still feel like exploding

I guess I will have to see what the day brings :)
fingers crossed that I can control myself though
I'm going to try for nothing until dinner
because I don't know what dinner will be

my muscles hurt from last night
stomach muscles are so sore that it hurts to sneeze
LOL
ah well, it was good :)

stay strong
xxx

GOOD DAY

Well, I've proved to myself that I can do it
I haven't eaten since 2:30pm
its is currently 10pm
I'm still full
don't want anything to eat
despite the fact that I just spent an hour and a half learning to fight off people twice my weight

for breakfast at 9am I had
1 weetabix (65), crushed and layered with black cherry yogurt (70) = 135

for a snack at 1pm I had
french vanilla yogurt = 70

and for lunch at 2:30pm I had
1 weetabix (65), crushed and layered with french vanilla yogurt (70) = 135

and thats all
I feel good
340cal total
I've never kept it that low and felt fine
tomorrow I hope the scales will be nice to me

wish me luck
stay strong, think skinny
xxx

Starting Over

I have no excuses any more
I WILL be thin
and I will stop eating like a fucking pig

I gained.
up to 48.5kg - about 107lbs
fucking disgusting

by this time of the day over the past week
I think I would have already had over 300cal
today
I had one weetbix crushed up and layered with cherry yogurt - all up 135cal
tasted good
and I'm so full
I ate an hour ago
and I still feel like I could explode
mind over matter
I'm in control
and I'll keep it that way.

I do martial arts twice a week now
tonight is my second night
I can feel my stomach muscles burning from Monday night
and I think I pulled my right calf that night too
need to stretch more
but it feels good, and I picked it up quite quickly
so I'll do that
in conjunction with my pilates
and eating how I should be - as little as possible, while making it look like lots

hopefully I'll drop down again
I've been telling people I'm 46kg...
I know I'm not
but its so when I get there, if someone tells me I've lost weight
I can jump on the scales and show them that I "haven't"
I want to get there soon
within the week would be good
but with how I've been going lately, I'll be surprised if its within the month :(


I'm glad to read how well you're all doing
good luck to everyone
think skinny
stay strong
xxx

hooray for dental problems

I'm having a problem with one of my wisdom teeth
and with mouth ulcers - get them all the time because of my anemia

I currently can barely open my mouth
and found it very difficult to eat my low-calorie yogurt this morning
so I think the pain will work to my advantage
I don't feel like eating because it hurts
and if I try to eat, it hurts more

maybe this will get me away from the plateau I've hit
and I'll hopefully drop some weight
my friend has my pilates DVD at the moment
so I can't do that in the morning any more

it's good to read that all you girls are doing so well
you're my motivation
good luck to all of you
think skinny :)

midnight binge and 178 to start the day

so
yes
binge last night
crawled out of bed at midnight
fidgeting, couldn't sleep, frustrated
went to the kitchen
MASSIVE glass of vanilla coke
took some food back to bed and curled up with it -
packet of chips
LCM bar
ate that in bed next to my partner
back to the kitchen
MORE coke
MASSIVE glass of whole milk
sleep time now
I cried silently for an hour
while he slept next to me


wake up this morning and my partner tells me that
he likes my "prominent hip bones"
I nearly cried again
wtf?
I'll give him 'prominent'
he'll see
this is nothing
this is fat
it's gross


so for breakfast I helped my partner make scrambled eggs
he's hopeless at multi-tasking
he was trying to burn toast (yes I mean burn) and cook eggs at the same time
so I did the eggs while he burnt the toast
then he ate that
it looked gross
made me feel sick
I went to the freezer - no light rye bread
so I had to settle for white - ew
white toast with vegemite = 178 calories
for the rest of the day I'm going to eat celery and hot taco sauce (so low cal its basically nothing)
last night was a turning point
I felt my fat every position I tried to sleep in
it made me cry even more
I want to be thin
I NEED to be thin


things will be easier when my partner and I move out
we're looking at a place
cheap rent
and I can have my cat
so hopefully we'll be on our own by the second week of April
then I can cut down on the bad foods
and cook my own dinner more often
it will be good
things will be better
I'll have control


xxx

HORRIBLE WEEKEND

GOD DAMMIT!
It was my birthday on Friday (happy birthday to me - not)
And guess what I got?
No - not presents.
I got yelled at , that's what.
My partners dad is a fucking grumpy bastard since they came back from Vietnam, and he decided to take it out on me, after saying happy birthday (how thoughtful of him)
He yelled at me, I get snappy when I get upset, so I snapped at him - apparently it sounds like barking, because he told me that I 'bark at him like a dog' - thanks for calling me a dog, dad! how nice of you!
Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes.
I called him a rude arrogant bastard, and left - my partner took me for a drive.
I spent half an hour crying my eyes out
Then when I got back to the house, he confronted me AGAIN - thankfully didn't yell at me this time, and I managed to bite my tongue (somehow).
It was all about how my school books are always in the lounge room - because I do school work every day (homeschool). He said they needed to go in mine and my partners bedroom, told me that's what the desk was for - told him the desk was already overflowing with stuff, that we needed a new storage unit - he said he didn't give a shit.
So I picked up my books, dropped them on my bed - the room had become trashed over the last day because he has become crazy cleaner and EVERYTHING that belongs to me or my partner has to be in our room - so I just turned on him and said "don't you DARE tell me that my room in messy now, because its your fault".
Didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Surprisingly I didn't binge, I behaved.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday:

I was supposed to have a photoshoot (I do a tiny bit of modelling), but I didn't feel like going - and I have no idea why. Usually it makes me feel good. So I told the photographer I had been throwing up all morning, and if I didn't feel better by 2pm I wouldn't be able to make it. She was good about it and told me to rest, that we'd catch up another day.

Only thing was, two of my friends were also involved in that shoot, and it was going to be mine and one of theirs joint birthday parties that night.

Surprise surprise, I did end up feeling sick, but I had a fruit smoothie (no idea how many cal) and a bowl of noodles (400 cal). I used the 'feeling sick' excuse so that I wouldn't have to drink, appart from the fact that I'm not a fan of it anyway), but I still ate a handful of those Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream Red Rock Deli chips.

All in all, I felt very fat

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday:

BINGE

no breakfast

MASSIVE FUCKING PLATE OF OILY TOMATO-SAUCE COVERED VEGETABLE PASTA for lunch (4pm)

got home and between 6pm and 7pm I had:

a bowl of noodles (400cal)

then a bag of chips (100cal)

two massive glasses of whole milk (400cal)

then a piece of cake (no fucking idea how many cal)

then before bed I had another massive glass of milk (about 200cal)

FUCK

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

super happy fun weekend - NOT

and I couldn't even do my pilates AT ALL since Thursday

weighed myself

and SOMEHOW

by some MIRACLE

I've not gained

still 47.4kg

this week will be better

I'm home alone

so I can do my pilates

and not eat without drawing attention

and I'll be able to come on here too :)

Wish me luck,

I'm going to need it

stay strong, think skinny

xxxx

Why do we look so different?

I found a magazine in the house last night.
It had an article on how David Beckham is worried about his wife because she isn't eating due to stress. It had her stats written there - 167cm, and it said something like "only 50kg".
Well guess what? I'm the same fucking height as Victoria Beckham, weight less, and still look fucking disgusting. She is so tiny. Why was 50kg never good enough for me to look that tiny? It's not fucking fair.
The Pilates is helping - I can really feel the muscles in my stomach starting to develop already, after only 3 days. And during the workouts I feel muscles that I didn't even know I had - but not in a painful way lol. My hip bones dig into the mat and leave a dent... it feels good :)

I think I'm doing ok.
After that Hungry Jacks last night, I'm a bit worried... but I'll go and weight myself now... see what the damage is.
Fucking burger - still 47.4kg
I pick my partner up from the airport tonight. I wonder if he will notice that I'm shrinking - slowly. He'll like what the Pilates is doing for me - I'm more flexible, and it's giving me muscle, but in a good way - lean muscle
I will do my workout twice today - this morning and this evening before mum gets home.

Stay strong, think skinny.
We can do it.

xxx

Pilates...

is a fucking god-send!
I did 2 hours worth of it yesterday off a DVD
and I am down from 48kg (105.8lbs) to 47.4kg (104.5)
in just one day!
I feel fucking great!
I've been stuck at around 48/106 for a while now...
great to break that stride :)
I had about 600cal yesterday
more than I wanted
but to lose that much...
I feel good!
I want to be below 47kg tomorrow - around 103lbs
and for once that much off in a day
actually feels achievable
YES!!



EDIT:
fucking hell
mum brought home Hungry Jacks for dinner
nobody knows about my ED
I'm good at eating fuck all during the day so that when people are home I can eat 'normally'
ate the whole veggie burger (360cal) - was only going to eat half, but I just couldn't stop :(
and that took my grand total of cals today up over 700
fuck
fingers crossed
did my pilates again today
hope it works...

xxx