Failure

I'm a fat cow
simple as that
I ignored the voice in my head
and my common sense
and all rational thought
for some fucking pizza
and a handful of raspberry lollies

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I was doing well
I had about 200cal worth of banana pancakes for breakfast
at lunch I had a banana
(yes I like banana)

and I was planning on having one slice of pizza
ONE SLICE
just because we were having a pizza party with my partners parents and some friends
but I went ahead and ate the WHOLE FUCKING THING
a piece of lebanese bread with tomato and bbq sauce
with tomato, pineapple, capsicum, red onion, and cheese on it
dinner-plate size
and I ate the whole thing

I'M A FAT PIG
its disgusing
I was happy today too
I managed to weigh myself
sort of
I used the scales at the BF's parents house
after breakfast, while partly dressed (as in I took my jeans off to weigh myself)
and I was 44.8kg - thats below 100lbs (about 99ish)
in the middle of the day
after drinking, eating breakfast, and while being partly dressed

and then I fuck it up with pizza
and to make matters worse
I ate a BIG handful of raspberry lollies as well
I feel so sick
and fat
and bloated
I wish I was stronger

I'm so close
I can't lose it now
just another 5kg...
11lbs is all I ask...
I need to keep my mind on how close I am
I can't fail
I have to do this

punishments - ideas? I went over 800cal easily today
I need to punish myself for that
800 is my limit
and I blew it out of the water


I hope you're all doing better than me
I'll post pics soon if anyone wants to see

love, hugs and thin vibes
xxx

complications

Hey everyone

I know it's been ages since I have been here.
I feel bad for that
and for the fact that I haven't lost anything since my last post - but thankfully haven't gained
I have no idea how I've managed to keep a stable weight
but I'm not going to complain

so
my partner knows
I was having a bad night and he started complaining about feeling fat after eating McDonalds
he'd been doing that a lot actually, complaining about his weight
so I turned on him after he said it for about the 5th time in 10 minutes
and I basically said to him that I didn't want him to turn into me
he knows I had problems with eating in the past
so to start with I just made it out like I didn't want him to be like "I used to be"
but then I just forgot about tenses and started talking in the now
and had to explain to him that I sort of go through phases
happy with my weight for a month or so, hate myself for a while
he didn't freak and tell me to eat like I thought he would
he actually listened
and understood
he said as long as I don't get tooo thin, he doesn't care
as long as I'm happy

if only things were so easy with my parents
I'm visiting them at the moment
just for a week
and since the moment I got here mum has been telling me I need to eat
that I need to gain weight
and that I should drink 'protein drinks' because I'm vegetarian, and so I gain weight
its all about the weight to her
so i've been eating like what kinda seems to be 'normal'
I don't think I'm going over 1000cal
but it looks like a lot
so she is off my back a tiny bit
but I know I'm going to gain this week
can't wait til Sunday
going home and getting my food back under control

I'll be moving out with my partner then
so that will be the real test
will he be able to stand me when we're alone together?
will he still not care 'as long as I'm happy'?
we shall see
life will get interesting - probably complicated - over the next few weeks

stay tuned folks
love and thin vibes to all
stay strong

xxx

hooray!

well
I have the flu
no, it is NOT swine flu
haha, although my dad accused me of that XD

but
good news!
I'm below 45kg!
44.9kg
and that was after eating this morning actually
so maybe smaller
we shall see what tomorrow brings

it seems to be coming off easier now :)
and no one is making any comment about me being "too thin"
or "not eating enough"
which I am thankful about

I'm not really counting anymore
I do know how much I consume every day
but I just don't really worry too much about it
I prefer to stay inder 600cal if I can

but if I go over alittle, I don't really freak out
I'm still losing
and I'm eating 'enough' so that nobody cares
I have a good feeling about this
things are going well at the moment

I hope you're all having as good a luck as me
love to all

xxx

finally broken 46...

well
I'm down under 46kg
45.4kg
thats basically 100lbs!
I'm so close I can almost taste it

funny tho
I can see bones in my shoulders
which looks good
but my stomach hasn't changed much.
maybe its because I have muscle there...
the martial arts instructor insists I do 20 situps and 20 pushups every night so that I get good at them
so I have been
and I have scary stomach muscles now
hehe

I will get there
we will all get there

stay strong my dears
love to you all
<3
xxx

Success

Since Wednesday, I have been REALLY recording my cal intake
I mean properly
no lying to myself
none of that

I feel like posting it here
along with my weight on each day too


Wednesday 01.04.09 = 48.5kg/107lbs, 340cal
Thursday 02.04.09 = 48kg/105.8lbs, 971.5cal
Friday 03.04.09 = 47.8kg/105.3lbs, 460cal
Saturday 04.04.09 = 47.4kg/104.5lbs, 570cal


it is now Sunday, I have just had my 'breakfast' (its 11:30 lol)
I had Special K - the one with the choc flakes - and some skim milk (184cal)
my weight this morning
was 46.9kg - thats about 103.4lbs for those of you who don't get kg's
so I've lost nearly 4lbs since Wednesday
while having really odd cal intakes
oh well
I'm happy with that
I'm actually losing properly now
hooray!

stay strong
xxx

And the virdict is...

I'm down to 48kg (just under 106lbs)
hooray for low-cal days
had the same breakfast this morning as yesterday
ate it a bit earlier though - about 8:30am
its 11am at the moment
still feel like exploding

I guess I will have to see what the day brings :)
fingers crossed that I can control myself though
I'm going to try for nothing until dinner
because I don't know what dinner will be

my muscles hurt from last night
stomach muscles are so sore that it hurts to sneeze
LOL
ah well, it was good :)

stay strong
xxx

hooray for dental problems

I'm having a problem with one of my wisdom teeth
and with mouth ulcers - get them all the time because of my anemia

I currently can barely open my mouth
and found it very difficult to eat my low-calorie yogurt this morning
so I think the pain will work to my advantage
I don't feel like eating because it hurts
and if I try to eat, it hurts more

maybe this will get me away from the plateau I've hit
and I'll hopefully drop some weight
my friend has my pilates DVD at the moment
so I can't do that in the morning any more

it's good to read that all you girls are doing so well
you're my motivation
good luck to all of you
think skinny :)

Why do we look so different?

I found a magazine in the house last night.
It had an article on how David Beckham is worried about his wife because she isn't eating due to stress. It had her stats written there - 167cm, and it said something like "only 50kg".
Well guess what? I'm the same fucking height as Victoria Beckham, weight less, and still look fucking disgusting. She is so tiny. Why was 50kg never good enough for me to look that tiny? It's not fucking fair.
The Pilates is helping - I can really feel the muscles in my stomach starting to develop already, after only 3 days. And during the workouts I feel muscles that I didn't even know I had - but not in a painful way lol. My hip bones dig into the mat and leave a dent... it feels good :)

I think I'm doing ok.
After that Hungry Jacks last night, I'm a bit worried... but I'll go and weight myself now... see what the damage is.
Fucking burger - still 47.4kg
I pick my partner up from the airport tonight. I wonder if he will notice that I'm shrinking - slowly. He'll like what the Pilates is doing for me - I'm more flexible, and it's giving me muscle, but in a good way - lean muscle
I will do my workout twice today - this morning and this evening before mum gets home.

Stay strong, think skinny.
We can do it.

xxx

Pilates...

is a fucking god-send!
I did 2 hours worth of it yesterday off a DVD
and I am down from 48kg (105.8lbs) to 47.4kg (104.5)
in just one day!
I feel fucking great!
I've been stuck at around 48/106 for a while now...
great to break that stride :)
I had about 600cal yesterday
more than I wanted
but to lose that much...
I feel good!
I want to be below 47kg tomorrow - around 103lbs
and for once that much off in a day
actually feels achievable
YES!!



EDIT:
fucking hell
mum brought home Hungry Jacks for dinner
nobody knows about my ED
I'm good at eating fuck all during the day so that when people are home I can eat 'normally'
ate the whole veggie burger (360cal) - was only going to eat half, but I just couldn't stop :(
and that took my grand total of cals today up over 700
fuck
fingers crossed
did my pilates again today
hope it works...

xxx