complications

Hey everyone

I know it's been ages since I have been here.
I feel bad for that
and for the fact that I haven't lost anything since my last post - but thankfully haven't gained
I have no idea how I've managed to keep a stable weight
but I'm not going to complain

so
my partner knows
I was having a bad night and he started complaining about feeling fat after eating McDonalds
he'd been doing that a lot actually, complaining about his weight
so I turned on him after he said it for about the 5th time in 10 minutes
and I basically said to him that I didn't want him to turn into me
he knows I had problems with eating in the past
so to start with I just made it out like I didn't want him to be like "I used to be"
but then I just forgot about tenses and started talking in the now
and had to explain to him that I sort of go through phases
happy with my weight for a month or so, hate myself for a while
he didn't freak and tell me to eat like I thought he would
he actually listened
and understood
he said as long as I don't get tooo thin, he doesn't care
as long as I'm happy

if only things were so easy with my parents
I'm visiting them at the moment
just for a week
and since the moment I got here mum has been telling me I need to eat
that I need to gain weight
and that I should drink 'protein drinks' because I'm vegetarian, and so I gain weight
its all about the weight to her
so i've been eating like what kinda seems to be 'normal'
I don't think I'm going over 1000cal
but it looks like a lot
so she is off my back a tiny bit
but I know I'm going to gain this week
can't wait til Sunday
going home and getting my food back under control

I'll be moving out with my partner then
so that will be the real test
will he be able to stand me when we're alone together?
will he still not care 'as long as I'm happy'?
we shall see
life will get interesting - probably complicated - over the next few weeks

stay tuned folks
love and thin vibes to all
stay strong

xxx

Success

Since Wednesday, I have been REALLY recording my cal intake
I mean properly
no lying to myself
none of that

I feel like posting it here
along with my weight on each day too


Wednesday 01.04.09 = 48.5kg/107lbs, 340cal
Thursday 02.04.09 = 48kg/105.8lbs, 971.5cal
Friday 03.04.09 = 47.8kg/105.3lbs, 460cal
Saturday 04.04.09 = 47.4kg/104.5lbs, 570cal


it is now Sunday, I have just had my 'breakfast' (its 11:30 lol)
I had Special K - the one with the choc flakes - and some skim milk (184cal)
my weight this morning
was 46.9kg - thats about 103.4lbs for those of you who don't get kg's
so I've lost nearly 4lbs since Wednesday
while having really odd cal intakes
oh well
I'm happy with that
I'm actually losing properly now
hooray!

stay strong
xxx

Starting Over

I have no excuses any more
I WILL be thin
and I will stop eating like a fucking pig

I gained.
up to 48.5kg - about 107lbs
fucking disgusting

by this time of the day over the past week
I think I would have already had over 300cal
today
I had one weetbix crushed up and layered with cherry yogurt - all up 135cal
tasted good
and I'm so full
I ate an hour ago
and I still feel like I could explode
mind over matter
I'm in control
and I'll keep it that way.

I do martial arts twice a week now
tonight is my second night
I can feel my stomach muscles burning from Monday night
and I think I pulled my right calf that night too
need to stretch more
but it feels good, and I picked it up quite quickly
so I'll do that
in conjunction with my pilates
and eating how I should be - as little as possible, while making it look like lots

hopefully I'll drop down again
I've been telling people I'm 46kg...
I know I'm not
but its so when I get there, if someone tells me I've lost weight
I can jump on the scales and show them that I "haven't"
I want to get there soon
within the week would be good
but with how I've been going lately, I'll be surprised if its within the month :(


I'm glad to read how well you're all doing
good luck to everyone
think skinny
stay strong
xxx

HORRIBLE WEEKEND

GOD DAMMIT!
It was my birthday on Friday (happy birthday to me - not)
And guess what I got?
No - not presents.
I got yelled at , that's what.
My partners dad is a fucking grumpy bastard since they came back from Vietnam, and he decided to take it out on me, after saying happy birthday (how thoughtful of him)
He yelled at me, I get snappy when I get upset, so I snapped at him - apparently it sounds like barking, because he told me that I 'bark at him like a dog' - thanks for calling me a dog, dad! how nice of you!
Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes.
I called him a rude arrogant bastard, and left - my partner took me for a drive.
I spent half an hour crying my eyes out
Then when I got back to the house, he confronted me AGAIN - thankfully didn't yell at me this time, and I managed to bite my tongue (somehow).
It was all about how my school books are always in the lounge room - because I do school work every day (homeschool). He said they needed to go in mine and my partners bedroom, told me that's what the desk was for - told him the desk was already overflowing with stuff, that we needed a new storage unit - he said he didn't give a shit.
So I picked up my books, dropped them on my bed - the room had become trashed over the last day because he has become crazy cleaner and EVERYTHING that belongs to me or my partner has to be in our room - so I just turned on him and said "don't you DARE tell me that my room in messy now, because its your fault".
Didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Surprisingly I didn't binge, I behaved.

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Saturday:

I was supposed to have a photoshoot (I do a tiny bit of modelling), but I didn't feel like going - and I have no idea why. Usually it makes me feel good. So I told the photographer I had been throwing up all morning, and if I didn't feel better by 2pm I wouldn't be able to make it. She was good about it and told me to rest, that we'd catch up another day.

Only thing was, two of my friends were also involved in that shoot, and it was going to be mine and one of theirs joint birthday parties that night.

Surprise surprise, I did end up feeling sick, but I had a fruit smoothie (no idea how many cal) and a bowl of noodles (400 cal). I used the 'feeling sick' excuse so that I wouldn't have to drink, appart from the fact that I'm not a fan of it anyway), but I still ate a handful of those Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream Red Rock Deli chips.

All in all, I felt very fat

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Sunday:

BINGE

no breakfast

MASSIVE FUCKING PLATE OF OILY TOMATO-SAUCE COVERED VEGETABLE PASTA for lunch (4pm)

got home and between 6pm and 7pm I had:

a bowl of noodles (400cal)

then a bag of chips (100cal)

two massive glasses of whole milk (400cal)

then a piece of cake (no fucking idea how many cal)

then before bed I had another massive glass of milk (about 200cal)

FUCK

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super happy fun weekend - NOT

and I couldn't even do my pilates AT ALL since Thursday

weighed myself

and SOMEHOW

by some MIRACLE

I've not gained

still 47.4kg

this week will be better

I'm home alone

so I can do my pilates

and not eat without drawing attention

and I'll be able to come on here too :)

Wish me luck,

I'm going to need it

stay strong, think skinny

xxxx

Why do we look so different?

I found a magazine in the house last night.
It had an article on how David Beckham is worried about his wife because she isn't eating due to stress. It had her stats written there - 167cm, and it said something like "only 50kg".
Well guess what? I'm the same fucking height as Victoria Beckham, weight less, and still look fucking disgusting. She is so tiny. Why was 50kg never good enough for me to look that tiny? It's not fucking fair.
The Pilates is helping - I can really feel the muscles in my stomach starting to develop already, after only 3 days. And during the workouts I feel muscles that I didn't even know I had - but not in a painful way lol. My hip bones dig into the mat and leave a dent... it feels good :)

I think I'm doing ok.
After that Hungry Jacks last night, I'm a bit worried... but I'll go and weight myself now... see what the damage is.
Fucking burger - still 47.4kg
I pick my partner up from the airport tonight. I wonder if he will notice that I'm shrinking - slowly. He'll like what the Pilates is doing for me - I'm more flexible, and it's giving me muscle, but in a good way - lean muscle
I will do my workout twice today - this morning and this evening before mum gets home.

Stay strong, think skinny.
We can do it.

xxx

Pilates...

is a fucking god-send!
I did 2 hours worth of it yesterday off a DVD
and I am down from 48kg (105.8lbs) to 47.4kg (104.5)
in just one day!
I feel fucking great!
I've been stuck at around 48/106 for a while now...
great to break that stride :)
I had about 600cal yesterday
more than I wanted
but to lose that much...
I feel good!
I want to be below 47kg tomorrow - around 103lbs
and for once that much off in a day
actually feels achievable
YES!!



EDIT:
fucking hell
mum brought home Hungry Jacks for dinner
nobody knows about my ED
I'm good at eating fuck all during the day so that when people are home I can eat 'normally'
ate the whole veggie burger (360cal) - was only going to eat half, but I just couldn't stop :(
and that took my grand total of cals today up over 700
fuck
fingers crossed
did my pilates again today
hope it works...

xxx

I'm trusting you with my secret

All of you - the internet in general.
It's probably not the smartest thing to do;
But nobody else understands me.
I will never use real names in this, not even my own.
Because nobody knows, and I want to keep it like that.

I'm almost 19 years old, and I've had body image problems since I was 13.
I've had disordered eating on and off for the past few years. But now I need the control.
I'm too fat and its disgusting - I NEED to be thin.
And I want you to help me.
I need to find my beautiful bones again, to be thin - I know they're there, waiting for me to find them.
And I know that this is the only way to bring them back.
I'll post my stats later.
Once I've learned how to use this thing properly.

Stay strong, we will all be thin together

TINYNINJA
xxxx