Failure

I'm a fat cow
simple as that
I ignored the voice in my head
and my common sense
and all rational thought
for some fucking pizza
and a handful of raspberry lollies

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I was doing well
I had about 200cal worth of banana pancakes for breakfast
at lunch I had a banana
(yes I like banana)

and I was planning on having one slice of pizza
ONE SLICE
just because we were having a pizza party with my partners parents and some friends
but I went ahead and ate the WHOLE FUCKING THING
a piece of lebanese bread with tomato and bbq sauce
with tomato, pineapple, capsicum, red onion, and cheese on it
dinner-plate size
and I ate the whole thing

I'M A FAT PIG
its disgusing
I was happy today too
I managed to weigh myself
sort of
I used the scales at the BF's parents house
after breakfast, while partly dressed (as in I took my jeans off to weigh myself)
and I was 44.8kg - thats below 100lbs (about 99ish)
in the middle of the day
after drinking, eating breakfast, and while being partly dressed

and then I fuck it up with pizza
and to make matters worse
I ate a BIG handful of raspberry lollies as well
I feel so sick
and fat
and bloated
I wish I was stronger

I'm so close
I can't lose it now
just another 5kg...
11lbs is all I ask...
I need to keep my mind on how close I am
I can't fail
I have to do this

punishments - ideas? I went over 800cal easily today
I need to punish myself for that
800 is my limit
and I blew it out of the water


I hope you're all doing better than me
I'll post pics soon if anyone wants to see

love, hugs and thin vibes
xxx

eventful weekend... 46.7 revisted

well
to say my easter weekend was eventful
lets just say that is a bit of an understatement
we went camping

FRIDAY:
all good, ate bugger all, kept calorie intake low
did fine, had a bit of fun

SATURDAY:
started fine
ate more than I intended to for breakfast
and I actually ate lunch
then to top it off I decided to have pizza for dinner
so I went to the pub across the road with my partner
he got some seafood thing, I got my veggie pizza
went back to where we were camping
dad and everyone else went over to the pub while we ate
2 pieces of pizza, gave one to the dog
then shit happened.
we turned away for a moment, literally less than a minute
and the dog disappeared
we called him, ran off down towards the road calling him
heard yelping
decided that he had gone to the pub and annoyed the dog that was there
but no
he got partway across the road and got hit by a car
then somehow got into the pub
so we were freaking out
dad made us feel like it was our fault, saying "anyone could have looked away, BUT..."

anywho, we called a vet and were told that we had to keep him on his front, he wasn't allowed to lay on his side because he might have a punctured lung (blood coming out his nose)
so dad slept next to him outside and made sure he slept properly

SUNDAY:
in the morning, woke up and he was wagging his tale and trying to walk around
we decided not to let him, and dad took him to the vet for a check-up
internal bruising, bruised lungs, possible ligament damage in his front leg, and a fair few cuts and bruises
but he's ok
he's alive
dad apologised for how he reacted
ate heaps, don't even remember what

MONDAY:
packed everything up
headed home at about 4:30
car ran out of fuel literally 5 minutes from home
filled it up from what we had in the back of the car
got home, it started pissing down and we got drenched
waited til it stopped raining, then unpacked the cars while dinner was being made

FUCKING MASSIVE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI
I ate 3/4 of it


and now we have today, Tuesday
and I weigh 46.7kg again
I was 46kg on Thursday
fucking bad weekend
but I'll get back on track this week

stay strong girls
we can do it
xxx

midnight binge and 178 to start the day

so
yes
binge last night
crawled out of bed at midnight
fidgeting, couldn't sleep, frustrated
went to the kitchen
MASSIVE glass of vanilla coke
took some food back to bed and curled up with it -
packet of chips
LCM bar
ate that in bed next to my partner
back to the kitchen
MORE coke
MASSIVE glass of whole milk
sleep time now
I cried silently for an hour
while he slept next to me


wake up this morning and my partner tells me that
he likes my "prominent hip bones"
I nearly cried again
wtf?
I'll give him 'prominent'
he'll see
this is nothing
this is fat
it's gross


so for breakfast I helped my partner make scrambled eggs
he's hopeless at multi-tasking
he was trying to burn toast (yes I mean burn) and cook eggs at the same time
so I did the eggs while he burnt the toast
then he ate that
it looked gross
made me feel sick
I went to the freezer - no light rye bread
so I had to settle for white - ew
white toast with vegemite = 178 calories
for the rest of the day I'm going to eat celery and hot taco sauce (so low cal its basically nothing)
last night was a turning point
I felt my fat every position I tried to sleep in
it made me cry even more
I want to be thin
I NEED to be thin


things will be easier when my partner and I move out
we're looking at a place
cheap rent
and I can have my cat
so hopefully we'll be on our own by the second week of April
then I can cut down on the bad foods
and cook my own dinner more often
it will be good
things will be better
I'll have control


xxx

No More Excuses

I can't lie to myself anymore
I can't keep saying "I'll do better tomorrow"
I want to do better NOW

binged bascially every day for the last week
today I'll do better
I mean it
I'm too angry to eat

I got a letter from my school the other day
saying how far behind in work I am
and what they expect me to have done by the end of this week
funny thing is
I don't have half the work they want me to do
because they haven't sent the fucking stuff
hence why I'm angry
if they fail me on anything because of their fuck-up
I will be absolutely RAGING

oh well
anger is good for one thing
it makes me lose my appetite
:)

HORRIBLE WEEKEND

GOD DAMMIT!
It was my birthday on Friday (happy birthday to me - not)
And guess what I got?
No - not presents.
I got yelled at , that's what.
My partners dad is a fucking grumpy bastard since they came back from Vietnam, and he decided to take it out on me, after saying happy birthday (how thoughtful of him)
He yelled at me, I get snappy when I get upset, so I snapped at him - apparently it sounds like barking, because he told me that I 'bark at him like a dog' - thanks for calling me a dog, dad! how nice of you!
Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes.
I called him a rude arrogant bastard, and left - my partner took me for a drive.
I spent half an hour crying my eyes out
Then when I got back to the house, he confronted me AGAIN - thankfully didn't yell at me this time, and I managed to bite my tongue (somehow).
It was all about how my school books are always in the lounge room - because I do school work every day (homeschool). He said they needed to go in mine and my partners bedroom, told me that's what the desk was for - told him the desk was already overflowing with stuff, that we needed a new storage unit - he said he didn't give a shit.
So I picked up my books, dropped them on my bed - the room had become trashed over the last day because he has become crazy cleaner and EVERYTHING that belongs to me or my partner has to be in our room - so I just turned on him and said "don't you DARE tell me that my room in messy now, because its your fault".
Didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Surprisingly I didn't binge, I behaved.

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Saturday:

I was supposed to have a photoshoot (I do a tiny bit of modelling), but I didn't feel like going - and I have no idea why. Usually it makes me feel good. So I told the photographer I had been throwing up all morning, and if I didn't feel better by 2pm I wouldn't be able to make it. She was good about it and told me to rest, that we'd catch up another day.

Only thing was, two of my friends were also involved in that shoot, and it was going to be mine and one of theirs joint birthday parties that night.

Surprise surprise, I did end up feeling sick, but I had a fruit smoothie (no idea how many cal) and a bowl of noodles (400 cal). I used the 'feeling sick' excuse so that I wouldn't have to drink, appart from the fact that I'm not a fan of it anyway), but I still ate a handful of those Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream Red Rock Deli chips.

All in all, I felt very fat

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Sunday:

BINGE

no breakfast

MASSIVE FUCKING PLATE OF OILY TOMATO-SAUCE COVERED VEGETABLE PASTA for lunch (4pm)

got home and between 6pm and 7pm I had:

a bowl of noodles (400cal)

then a bag of chips (100cal)

two massive glasses of whole milk (400cal)

then a piece of cake (no fucking idea how many cal)

then before bed I had another massive glass of milk (about 200cal)

FUCK

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super happy fun weekend - NOT

and I couldn't even do my pilates AT ALL since Thursday

weighed myself

and SOMEHOW

by some MIRACLE

I've not gained

still 47.4kg

this week will be better

I'm home alone

so I can do my pilates

and not eat without drawing attention

and I'll be able to come on here too :)

Wish me luck,

I'm going to need it

stay strong, think skinny

xxxx