hooray for dental problems

I'm having a problem with one of my wisdom teeth
and with mouth ulcers - get them all the time because of my anemia

I currently can barely open my mouth
and found it very difficult to eat my low-calorie yogurt this morning
so I think the pain will work to my advantage
I don't feel like eating because it hurts
and if I try to eat, it hurts more

maybe this will get me away from the plateau I've hit
and I'll hopefully drop some weight
my friend has my pilates DVD at the moment
so I can't do that in the morning any more

it's good to read that all you girls are doing so well
you're my motivation
good luck to all of you
think skinny :)

midnight binge and 178 to start the day

so
yes
binge last night
crawled out of bed at midnight
fidgeting, couldn't sleep, frustrated
went to the kitchen
MASSIVE glass of vanilla coke
took some food back to bed and curled up with it -
packet of chips
LCM bar
ate that in bed next to my partner
back to the kitchen
MORE coke
MASSIVE glass of whole milk
sleep time now
I cried silently for an hour
while he slept next to me


wake up this morning and my partner tells me that
he likes my "prominent hip bones"
I nearly cried again
wtf?
I'll give him 'prominent'
he'll see
this is nothing
this is fat
it's gross


so for breakfast I helped my partner make scrambled eggs
he's hopeless at multi-tasking
he was trying to burn toast (yes I mean burn) and cook eggs at the same time
so I did the eggs while he burnt the toast
then he ate that
it looked gross
made me feel sick
I went to the freezer - no light rye bread
so I had to settle for white - ew
white toast with vegemite = 178 calories
for the rest of the day I'm going to eat celery and hot taco sauce (so low cal its basically nothing)
last night was a turning point
I felt my fat every position I tried to sleep in
it made me cry even more
I want to be thin
I NEED to be thin


things will be easier when my partner and I move out
we're looking at a place
cheap rent
and I can have my cat
so hopefully we'll be on our own by the second week of April
then I can cut down on the bad foods
and cook my own dinner more often
it will be good
things will be better
I'll have control


xxx

No More Excuses

I can't lie to myself anymore
I can't keep saying "I'll do better tomorrow"
I want to do better NOW

binged bascially every day for the last week
today I'll do better
I mean it
I'm too angry to eat

I got a letter from my school the other day
saying how far behind in work I am
and what they expect me to have done by the end of this week
funny thing is
I don't have half the work they want me to do
because they haven't sent the fucking stuff
hence why I'm angry
if they fail me on anything because of their fuck-up
I will be absolutely RAGING

oh well
anger is good for one thing
it makes me lose my appetite
:)

HORRIBLE WEEKEND

GOD DAMMIT!
It was my birthday on Friday (happy birthday to me - not)
And guess what I got?
No - not presents.
I got yelled at , that's what.
My partners dad is a fucking grumpy bastard since they came back from Vietnam, and he decided to take it out on me, after saying happy birthday (how thoughtful of him)
He yelled at me, I get snappy when I get upset, so I snapped at him - apparently it sounds like barking, because he told me that I 'bark at him like a dog' - thanks for calling me a dog, dad! how nice of you!
Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes.
I called him a rude arrogant bastard, and left - my partner took me for a drive.
I spent half an hour crying my eyes out
Then when I got back to the house, he confronted me AGAIN - thankfully didn't yell at me this time, and I managed to bite my tongue (somehow).
It was all about how my school books are always in the lounge room - because I do school work every day (homeschool). He said they needed to go in mine and my partners bedroom, told me that's what the desk was for - told him the desk was already overflowing with stuff, that we needed a new storage unit - he said he didn't give a shit.
So I picked up my books, dropped them on my bed - the room had become trashed over the last day because he has become crazy cleaner and EVERYTHING that belongs to me or my partner has to be in our room - so I just turned on him and said "don't you DARE tell me that my room in messy now, because its your fault".
Didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Surprisingly I didn't binge, I behaved.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday:

I was supposed to have a photoshoot (I do a tiny bit of modelling), but I didn't feel like going - and I have no idea why. Usually it makes me feel good. So I told the photographer I had been throwing up all morning, and if I didn't feel better by 2pm I wouldn't be able to make it. She was good about it and told me to rest, that we'd catch up another day.

Only thing was, two of my friends were also involved in that shoot, and it was going to be mine and one of theirs joint birthday parties that night.

Surprise surprise, I did end up feeling sick, but I had a fruit smoothie (no idea how many cal) and a bowl of noodles (400 cal). I used the 'feeling sick' excuse so that I wouldn't have to drink, appart from the fact that I'm not a fan of it anyway), but I still ate a handful of those Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream Red Rock Deli chips.

All in all, I felt very fat

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday:

BINGE

no breakfast

MASSIVE FUCKING PLATE OF OILY TOMATO-SAUCE COVERED VEGETABLE PASTA for lunch (4pm)

got home and between 6pm and 7pm I had:

a bowl of noodles (400cal)

then a bag of chips (100cal)

two massive glasses of whole milk (400cal)

then a piece of cake (no fucking idea how many cal)

then before bed I had another massive glass of milk (about 200cal)

FUCK

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

super happy fun weekend - NOT

and I couldn't even do my pilates AT ALL since Thursday

weighed myself

and SOMEHOW

by some MIRACLE

I've not gained

still 47.4kg

this week will be better

I'm home alone

so I can do my pilates

and not eat without drawing attention

and I'll be able to come on here too :)

Wish me luck,

I'm going to need it

stay strong, think skinny

xxxx

Why do we look so different?

I found a magazine in the house last night.
It had an article on how David Beckham is worried about his wife because she isn't eating due to stress. It had her stats written there - 167cm, and it said something like "only 50kg".
Well guess what? I'm the same fucking height as Victoria Beckham, weight less, and still look fucking disgusting. She is so tiny. Why was 50kg never good enough for me to look that tiny? It's not fucking fair.
The Pilates is helping - I can really feel the muscles in my stomach starting to develop already, after only 3 days. And during the workouts I feel muscles that I didn't even know I had - but not in a painful way lol. My hip bones dig into the mat and leave a dent... it feels good :)

I think I'm doing ok.
After that Hungry Jacks last night, I'm a bit worried... but I'll go and weight myself now... see what the damage is.
Fucking burger - still 47.4kg
I pick my partner up from the airport tonight. I wonder if he will notice that I'm shrinking - slowly. He'll like what the Pilates is doing for me - I'm more flexible, and it's giving me muscle, but in a good way - lean muscle
I will do my workout twice today - this morning and this evening before mum gets home.

Stay strong, think skinny.
We can do it.

xxx

Pilates...

is a fucking god-send!
I did 2 hours worth of it yesterday off a DVD
and I am down from 48kg (105.8lbs) to 47.4kg (104.5)
in just one day!
I feel fucking great!
I've been stuck at around 48/106 for a while now...
great to break that stride :)
I had about 600cal yesterday
more than I wanted
but to lose that much...
I feel good!
I want to be below 47kg tomorrow - around 103lbs
and for once that much off in a day
actually feels achievable
YES!!



EDIT:
fucking hell
mum brought home Hungry Jacks for dinner
nobody knows about my ED
I'm good at eating fuck all during the day so that when people are home I can eat 'normally'
ate the whole veggie burger (360cal) - was only going to eat half, but I just couldn't stop :(
and that took my grand total of cals today up over 700
fuck
fingers crossed
did my pilates again today
hope it works...

xxx

I'm trusting you with my secret

All of you - the internet in general.
It's probably not the smartest thing to do;
But nobody else understands me.
I will never use real names in this, not even my own.
Because nobody knows, and I want to keep it like that.

I'm almost 19 years old, and I've had body image problems since I was 13.
I've had disordered eating on and off for the past few years. But now I need the control.
I'm too fat and its disgusting - I NEED to be thin.
And I want you to help me.
I need to find my beautiful bones again, to be thin - I know they're there, waiting for me to find them.
And I know that this is the only way to bring them back.
I'll post my stats later.
Once I've learned how to use this thing properly.

Stay strong, we will all be thin together

TINYNINJA
xxxx