Quick Note

making up for yesterday

Pancakes = 200
Enchiladas (tofu) = 450ish

total = 650

I'll say 700 to be safe

still under 800
feeling better about today
better than yesterday
better get back to it before everything burns lol

hugs, love and thin vibes
xxx

Failure

I'm a fat cow
simple as that
I ignored the voice in my head
and my common sense
and all rational thought
for some fucking pizza
and a handful of raspberry lollies

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I was doing well
I had about 200cal worth of banana pancakes for breakfast
at lunch I had a banana
(yes I like banana)

and I was planning on having one slice of pizza
ONE SLICE
just because we were having a pizza party with my partners parents and some friends
but I went ahead and ate the WHOLE FUCKING THING
a piece of lebanese bread with tomato and bbq sauce
with tomato, pineapple, capsicum, red onion, and cheese on it
dinner-plate size
and I ate the whole thing

I'M A FAT PIG
its disgusing
I was happy today too
I managed to weigh myself
sort of
I used the scales at the BF's parents house
after breakfast, while partly dressed (as in I took my jeans off to weigh myself)
and I was 44.8kg - thats below 100lbs (about 99ish)
in the middle of the day
after drinking, eating breakfast, and while being partly dressed

and then I fuck it up with pizza
and to make matters worse
I ate a BIG handful of raspberry lollies as well
I feel so sick
and fat
and bloated
I wish I was stronger

I'm so close
I can't lose it now
just another 5kg...
11lbs is all I ask...
I need to keep my mind on how close I am
I can't fail
I have to do this

punishments - ideas? I went over 800cal easily today
I need to punish myself for that
800 is my limit
and I blew it out of the water


I hope you're all doing better than me
I'll post pics soon if anyone wants to see

love, hugs and thin vibes
xxx

A Positive Negative

the test and the day

yep, thats it folks - I'm not pregnant
good news I suppose :)

anyway
had a ton of fights with the BF today
but we're all good
surprisingly I didn't binge
which I usually do when I'm upset or angry

I felt the need to a few times
but that voice in my head stopped me
told me I don't need it
that I can survive
and I did
I'm going well now
all I need is a set of scales to see my weight

- cereal = 200
- beans on toast = 243
- McDonald’s lean beef burger w/o the meat = 200ish (over estimate to be safe)

TOTAL = 643

so bad day with good results :)

love, hugs and thin vibes ^_^
xxx

Good Day

INTAKE:
- light rye vegemite toast = 82
- beans on toast = 243
- vegie schnitzel = 142
- vegies = 23

TOTAL = 490

happy with that I am :)
although
I am going drinking tonight
I'll count my drinks and figure out the calories tomorrow
Hopefully I wont fuck up too badly

love, hugs and thin vibes!
xxx

EDIT: drinking was cancelled, total calories for today remains at 490 ^_^

Decisions

ok

things have got to change

I ate SHITLOADS yesterday

even when I felt sick, I kept eating
I'm going to start writing down what I eat and how many calories

just so I can seei

f I go over 800, I will punish myself

if I lose weight... well I guess it will be working, wont it?

maybe I'll treat myself when I reach a goal

if I thing I deserve it.
so I have decided that I'm going to blog every day now

and let you all know how I'm doing

I'll write my intake

and any exercise I do

and we'll go from there :)

another development...

my period is late

and I know for certain that its not stopped because I'm TOO THIN

because I'm nowhere near that

if I haven't got it by Sunday

I'm gonna do a preg. test

if it's positive, I don't know what I'm gonna do

my partner and I can barely afford to live at the moment as it is

maybe I'll have to drop school (distance education)

and get a job

and go back to school at a later date

oh well

we shall see

everything happens for a reason

today's intake:

- Cereal = 200

- Lentil Pattie = 133

- Cup of mixed veggies = 23

- Pumpkin and Spinach Lasagne = 400 (est)
TOTAL = 756

too close to my limit today... tomorrow will be better

anyone got any suggestions for what my punishment for going over 800cal should be?

also, if anyone wants to see body pics

let me know

I wanna know what you all think of me

love, hugs and thin vibes

xxx

new place

well
I'm currently sitting on my sofa (which has no cover)
looking at all the boxes of crap around me
I'm in my new place now
my partner and I finally moved out :)
just have to finish unpacking lol

I'm positive I gained while I was with my parents
but we have no scales, so I can't check
but god how I want to know what I'm dealing with here

I want to clean and unpack and get some order in here
but my significant other will get shitty with me if I do
I'm supposed to be doing study
lol
I'm procrastinating ^_^
I should get back to it I suppose
if I haven't at least done SOME study by the time he gets home
I'll be in trouble :P
lol and I'll be cranky at myself

wish me luck, lovelies :)
smiles, hugs and thin vibes
xxx

complications

Hey everyone

I know it's been ages since I have been here.
I feel bad for that
and for the fact that I haven't lost anything since my last post - but thankfully haven't gained
I have no idea how I've managed to keep a stable weight
but I'm not going to complain

so
my partner knows
I was having a bad night and he started complaining about feeling fat after eating McDonalds
he'd been doing that a lot actually, complaining about his weight
so I turned on him after he said it for about the 5th time in 10 minutes
and I basically said to him that I didn't want him to turn into me
he knows I had problems with eating in the past
so to start with I just made it out like I didn't want him to be like "I used to be"
but then I just forgot about tenses and started talking in the now
and had to explain to him that I sort of go through phases
happy with my weight for a month or so, hate myself for a while
he didn't freak and tell me to eat like I thought he would
he actually listened
and understood
he said as long as I don't get tooo thin, he doesn't care
as long as I'm happy

if only things were so easy with my parents
I'm visiting them at the moment
just for a week
and since the moment I got here mum has been telling me I need to eat
that I need to gain weight
and that I should drink 'protein drinks' because I'm vegetarian, and so I gain weight
its all about the weight to her
so i've been eating like what kinda seems to be 'normal'
I don't think I'm going over 1000cal
but it looks like a lot
so she is off my back a tiny bit
but I know I'm going to gain this week
can't wait til Sunday
going home and getting my food back under control

I'll be moving out with my partner then
so that will be the real test
will he be able to stand me when we're alone together?
will he still not care 'as long as I'm happy'?
we shall see
life will get interesting - probably complicated - over the next few weeks

stay tuned folks
love and thin vibes to all
stay strong

xxx

hooray!

well
I have the flu
no, it is NOT swine flu
haha, although my dad accused me of that XD

but
good news!
I'm below 45kg!
44.9kg
and that was after eating this morning actually
so maybe smaller
we shall see what tomorrow brings

it seems to be coming off easier now :)
and no one is making any comment about me being "too thin"
or "not eating enough"
which I am thankful about

I'm not really counting anymore
I do know how much I consume every day
but I just don't really worry too much about it
I prefer to stay inder 600cal if I can

but if I go over alittle, I don't really freak out
I'm still losing
and I'm eating 'enough' so that nobody cares
I have a good feeling about this
things are going well at the moment

I hope you're all having as good a luck as me
love to all

xxx

finally broken 46...

well
I'm down under 46kg
45.4kg
thats basically 100lbs!
I'm so close I can almost taste it

funny tho
I can see bones in my shoulders
which looks good
but my stomach hasn't changed much.
maybe its because I have muscle there...
the martial arts instructor insists I do 20 situps and 20 pushups every night so that I get good at them
so I have been
and I have scary stomach muscles now
hehe

I will get there
we will all get there

stay strong my dears
love to you all
<3
xxx

eventful weekend... 46.7 revisted

well
to say my easter weekend was eventful
lets just say that is a bit of an understatement
we went camping

FRIDAY:
all good, ate bugger all, kept calorie intake low
did fine, had a bit of fun

SATURDAY:
started fine
ate more than I intended to for breakfast
and I actually ate lunch
then to top it off I decided to have pizza for dinner
so I went to the pub across the road with my partner
he got some seafood thing, I got my veggie pizza
went back to where we were camping
dad and everyone else went over to the pub while we ate
2 pieces of pizza, gave one to the dog
then shit happened.
we turned away for a moment, literally less than a minute
and the dog disappeared
we called him, ran off down towards the road calling him
heard yelping
decided that he had gone to the pub and annoyed the dog that was there
but no
he got partway across the road and got hit by a car
then somehow got into the pub
so we were freaking out
dad made us feel like it was our fault, saying "anyone could have looked away, BUT..."

anywho, we called a vet and were told that we had to keep him on his front, he wasn't allowed to lay on his side because he might have a punctured lung (blood coming out his nose)
so dad slept next to him outside and made sure he slept properly

SUNDAY:
in the morning, woke up and he was wagging his tale and trying to walk around
we decided not to let him, and dad took him to the vet for a check-up
internal bruising, bruised lungs, possible ligament damage in his front leg, and a fair few cuts and bruises
but he's ok
he's alive
dad apologised for how he reacted
ate heaps, don't even remember what

MONDAY:
packed everything up
headed home at about 4:30
car ran out of fuel literally 5 minutes from home
filled it up from what we had in the back of the car
got home, it started pissing down and we got drenched
waited til it stopped raining, then unpacked the cars while dinner was being made

FUCKING MASSIVE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI
I ate 3/4 of it


and now we have today, Tuesday
and I weigh 46.7kg again
I was 46kg on Thursday
fucking bad weekend
but I'll get back on track this week

stay strong girls
we can do it
xxx

Success

Since Wednesday, I have been REALLY recording my cal intake
I mean properly
no lying to myself
none of that

I feel like posting it here
along with my weight on each day too


Wednesday 01.04.09 = 48.5kg/107lbs, 340cal
Thursday 02.04.09 = 48kg/105.8lbs, 971.5cal
Friday 03.04.09 = 47.8kg/105.3lbs, 460cal
Saturday 04.04.09 = 47.4kg/104.5lbs, 570cal


it is now Sunday, I have just had my 'breakfast' (its 11:30 lol)
I had Special K - the one with the choc flakes - and some skim milk (184cal)
my weight this morning
was 46.9kg - thats about 103.4lbs for those of you who don't get kg's
so I've lost nearly 4lbs since Wednesday
while having really odd cal intakes
oh well
I'm happy with that
I'm actually losing properly now
hooray!

stay strong
xxx

And the virdict is...

I'm down to 48kg (just under 106lbs)
hooray for low-cal days
had the same breakfast this morning as yesterday
ate it a bit earlier though - about 8:30am
its 11am at the moment
still feel like exploding

I guess I will have to see what the day brings :)
fingers crossed that I can control myself though
I'm going to try for nothing until dinner
because I don't know what dinner will be

my muscles hurt from last night
stomach muscles are so sore that it hurts to sneeze
LOL
ah well, it was good :)

stay strong
xxx

GOOD DAY

Well, I've proved to myself that I can do it
I haven't eaten since 2:30pm
its is currently 10pm
I'm still full
don't want anything to eat
despite the fact that I just spent an hour and a half learning to fight off people twice my weight

for breakfast at 9am I had
1 weetabix (65), crushed and layered with black cherry yogurt (70) = 135

for a snack at 1pm I had
french vanilla yogurt = 70

and for lunch at 2:30pm I had
1 weetabix (65), crushed and layered with french vanilla yogurt (70) = 135

and thats all
I feel good
340cal total
I've never kept it that low and felt fine
tomorrow I hope the scales will be nice to me

wish me luck
stay strong, think skinny
xxx

Starting Over

I have no excuses any more
I WILL be thin
and I will stop eating like a fucking pig

I gained.
up to 48.5kg - about 107lbs
fucking disgusting

by this time of the day over the past week
I think I would have already had over 300cal
today
I had one weetbix crushed up and layered with cherry yogurt - all up 135cal
tasted good
and I'm so full
I ate an hour ago
and I still feel like I could explode
mind over matter
I'm in control
and I'll keep it that way.

I do martial arts twice a week now
tonight is my second night
I can feel my stomach muscles burning from Monday night
and I think I pulled my right calf that night too
need to stretch more
but it feels good, and I picked it up quite quickly
so I'll do that
in conjunction with my pilates
and eating how I should be - as little as possible, while making it look like lots

hopefully I'll drop down again
I've been telling people I'm 46kg...
I know I'm not
but its so when I get there, if someone tells me I've lost weight
I can jump on the scales and show them that I "haven't"
I want to get there soon
within the week would be good
but with how I've been going lately, I'll be surprised if its within the month :(


I'm glad to read how well you're all doing
good luck to everyone
think skinny
stay strong
xxx

hooray for dental problems

I'm having a problem with one of my wisdom teeth
and with mouth ulcers - get them all the time because of my anemia

I currently can barely open my mouth
and found it very difficult to eat my low-calorie yogurt this morning
so I think the pain will work to my advantage
I don't feel like eating because it hurts
and if I try to eat, it hurts more

maybe this will get me away from the plateau I've hit
and I'll hopefully drop some weight
my friend has my pilates DVD at the moment
so I can't do that in the morning any more

it's good to read that all you girls are doing so well
you're my motivation
good luck to all of you
think skinny :)

midnight binge and 178 to start the day

so
yes
binge last night
crawled out of bed at midnight
fidgeting, couldn't sleep, frustrated
went to the kitchen
MASSIVE glass of vanilla coke
took some food back to bed and curled up with it -
packet of chips
LCM bar
ate that in bed next to my partner
back to the kitchen
MORE coke
MASSIVE glass of whole milk
sleep time now
I cried silently for an hour
while he slept next to me


wake up this morning and my partner tells me that
he likes my "prominent hip bones"
I nearly cried again
wtf?
I'll give him 'prominent'
he'll see
this is nothing
this is fat
it's gross


so for breakfast I helped my partner make scrambled eggs
he's hopeless at multi-tasking
he was trying to burn toast (yes I mean burn) and cook eggs at the same time
so I did the eggs while he burnt the toast
then he ate that
it looked gross
made me feel sick
I went to the freezer - no light rye bread
so I had to settle for white - ew
white toast with vegemite = 178 calories
for the rest of the day I'm going to eat celery and hot taco sauce (so low cal its basically nothing)
last night was a turning point
I felt my fat every position I tried to sleep in
it made me cry even more
I want to be thin
I NEED to be thin


things will be easier when my partner and I move out
we're looking at a place
cheap rent
and I can have my cat
so hopefully we'll be on our own by the second week of April
then I can cut down on the bad foods
and cook my own dinner more often
it will be good
things will be better
I'll have control


xxx

No More Excuses

I can't lie to myself anymore
I can't keep saying "I'll do better tomorrow"
I want to do better NOW

binged bascially every day for the last week
today I'll do better
I mean it
I'm too angry to eat

I got a letter from my school the other day
saying how far behind in work I am
and what they expect me to have done by the end of this week
funny thing is
I don't have half the work they want me to do
because they haven't sent the fucking stuff
hence why I'm angry
if they fail me on anything because of their fuck-up
I will be absolutely RAGING

oh well
anger is good for one thing
it makes me lose my appetite
:)

HORRIBLE WEEKEND

GOD DAMMIT!
It was my birthday on Friday (happy birthday to me - not)
And guess what I got?
No - not presents.
I got yelled at , that's what.
My partners dad is a fucking grumpy bastard since they came back from Vietnam, and he decided to take it out on me, after saying happy birthday (how thoughtful of him)
He yelled at me, I get snappy when I get upset, so I snapped at him - apparently it sounds like barking, because he told me that I 'bark at him like a dog' - thanks for calling me a dog, dad! how nice of you!
Anyway, this went on for about 20 minutes.
I called him a rude arrogant bastard, and left - my partner took me for a drive.
I spent half an hour crying my eyes out
Then when I got back to the house, he confronted me AGAIN - thankfully didn't yell at me this time, and I managed to bite my tongue (somehow).
It was all about how my school books are always in the lounge room - because I do school work every day (homeschool). He said they needed to go in mine and my partners bedroom, told me that's what the desk was for - told him the desk was already overflowing with stuff, that we needed a new storage unit - he said he didn't give a shit.
So I picked up my books, dropped them on my bed - the room had become trashed over the last day because he has become crazy cleaner and EVERYTHING that belongs to me or my partner has to be in our room - so I just turned on him and said "don't you DARE tell me that my room in messy now, because its your fault".
Didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
Surprisingly I didn't binge, I behaved.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday:

I was supposed to have a photoshoot (I do a tiny bit of modelling), but I didn't feel like going - and I have no idea why. Usually it makes me feel good. So I told the photographer I had been throwing up all morning, and if I didn't feel better by 2pm I wouldn't be able to make it. She was good about it and told me to rest, that we'd catch up another day.

Only thing was, two of my friends were also involved in that shoot, and it was going to be mine and one of theirs joint birthday parties that night.

Surprise surprise, I did end up feeling sick, but I had a fruit smoothie (no idea how many cal) and a bowl of noodles (400 cal). I used the 'feeling sick' excuse so that I wouldn't have to drink, appart from the fact that I'm not a fan of it anyway), but I still ate a handful of those Sweet Chilli and Sour Cream Red Rock Deli chips.

All in all, I felt very fat

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday:

BINGE

no breakfast

MASSIVE FUCKING PLATE OF OILY TOMATO-SAUCE COVERED VEGETABLE PASTA for lunch (4pm)

got home and between 6pm and 7pm I had:

a bowl of noodles (400cal)

then a bag of chips (100cal)

two massive glasses of whole milk (400cal)

then a piece of cake (no fucking idea how many cal)

then before bed I had another massive glass of milk (about 200cal)

FUCK

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

super happy fun weekend - NOT

and I couldn't even do my pilates AT ALL since Thursday

weighed myself

and SOMEHOW

by some MIRACLE

I've not gained

still 47.4kg

this week will be better

I'm home alone

so I can do my pilates

and not eat without drawing attention

and I'll be able to come on here too :)

Wish me luck,

I'm going to need it

stay strong, think skinny

xxxx

Why do we look so different?

I found a magazine in the house last night.
It had an article on how David Beckham is worried about his wife because she isn't eating due to stress. It had her stats written there - 167cm, and it said something like "only 50kg".
Well guess what? I'm the same fucking height as Victoria Beckham, weight less, and still look fucking disgusting. She is so tiny. Why was 50kg never good enough for me to look that tiny? It's not fucking fair.
The Pilates is helping - I can really feel the muscles in my stomach starting to develop already, after only 3 days. And during the workouts I feel muscles that I didn't even know I had - but not in a painful way lol. My hip bones dig into the mat and leave a dent... it feels good :)

I think I'm doing ok.
After that Hungry Jacks last night, I'm a bit worried... but I'll go and weight myself now... see what the damage is.
Fucking burger - still 47.4kg
I pick my partner up from the airport tonight. I wonder if he will notice that I'm shrinking - slowly. He'll like what the Pilates is doing for me - I'm more flexible, and it's giving me muscle, but in a good way - lean muscle
I will do my workout twice today - this morning and this evening before mum gets home.

Stay strong, think skinny.
We can do it.

xxx

Pilates...

is a fucking god-send!
I did 2 hours worth of it yesterday off a DVD
and I am down from 48kg (105.8lbs) to 47.4kg (104.5)
in just one day!
I feel fucking great!
I've been stuck at around 48/106 for a while now...
great to break that stride :)
I had about 600cal yesterday
more than I wanted
but to lose that much...
I feel good!
I want to be below 47kg tomorrow - around 103lbs
and for once that much off in a day
actually feels achievable
YES!!



EDIT:
fucking hell
mum brought home Hungry Jacks for dinner
nobody knows about my ED
I'm good at eating fuck all during the day so that when people are home I can eat 'normally'
ate the whole veggie burger (360cal) - was only going to eat half, but I just couldn't stop :(
and that took my grand total of cals today up over 700
fuck
fingers crossed
did my pilates again today
hope it works...

xxx

I'm trusting you with my secret

All of you - the internet in general.
It's probably not the smartest thing to do;
But nobody else understands me.
I will never use real names in this, not even my own.
Because nobody knows, and I want to keep it like that.

I'm almost 19 years old, and I've had body image problems since I was 13.
I've had disordered eating on and off for the past few years. But now I need the control.
I'm too fat and its disgusting - I NEED to be thin.
And I want you to help me.
I need to find my beautiful bones again, to be thin - I know they're there, waiting for me to find them.
And I know that this is the only way to bring them back.
I'll post my stats later.
Once I've learned how to use this thing properly.

Stay strong, we will all be thin together

TINYNINJA
xxxx